This week, a friend shared about a selah moment in her life through facebook and I learnt something. Here is what I have learnt about a Selah Moment.
My understanding of Selah Moment
It is a WOW moment frozen in short span, crystallised with a great moment of truth, such strong truth and awakening that you just simply has to pause and rethink through it !
I need more Selah Moments in my life, I need to be zapped by moments of truths from God, to humble me, to re-build me, to restore me. Make me useful for His purpose.
Here are some internet notes that I have learnt from.
http://selah-moment.blogspot.com/
The word 'Selah' in the book of Psalms seem to imply a brief moment of silence, a rest in a flurry of musical notes and poetry, a pause for the musicians to take a breather, a moment for the priests to sacrifice their offerings before the Lord.
This blogger uses Selah Moment as a collection of their moments of reflection; of the silent pauses in their journey of faith.
http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Selah-Moment---When-Time-Stands-Still-For-You-to-Reflect&id=3941372
The "Selah" Moment - When Time Stands Still For You to Reflect
By Steve Wickham
Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!
~Book of Psalms, variously throughout (Amplified version).
Time in life is generally abundant yet we lose our grip on it so ironically in our grasping of it a.k.a. "busyness." Like the concept of happiness, the moment we grab time is the moment we lose it.
Note to self: time is an uncommodifiable thing--we're no merchants of time, we are simply marvellers of it.
The "Selah" (say-lah) moment is a place of consciousness that is barely beating. It takes the being partaking of its grace to a place pervaded in a concept like, wait for it, 'reverse time.'
It's a time of anti-time, if there were such a thing. It's a time-vacuum where the things of time matter less.
It's a destination of the mind and heart where matters of everyday life don't matter so much; it's possibly a positive numbness--given to the sacred pastime, set aside to Divineness. It's a gentle though punchy and stringent relief in anyone's day.
The "Selah" moment is thick with spiritual meaning and truth; we can pause and reflect--stunned enough simply to STOP. Stopped in our tracks, but so totally in accord with our wills; spiritual relevance smacks us between the eyes of our heart. We so want this time even if it comes as a transitory inconvenience. We reflect later-with a charmed grin-that as God is good, so is the "Selah" moment!
It's there for us--in our direct midst--if only we'll recognise it. It stands there waiting for our hand, to take ours in its hand, and journey with us--beyond our so-called realism.
To take advantage of the moment in reflection we are necessarily in a mood a world away. When it takes us, we simply cooperate. We enjoy the flight of fancy that re-invigorates and restores us mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Until the next time it breaks through our consciousness... a very dear friend. Selah is wellbeing.
Friday, November 26, 2010
A Selah Moment
On 23 November 2010 at 2:30p.m. I was informed that my cousin Andrew Ho Nyuk Loong has passed away in hospital, he was 54, leaving wife and 3 young adults children. My late cousin Andrew has been battling with kidney failure, dialysis for years, kidney transplant, rejection of new kidney, recovery, kidney failure after a short few years and was back to dialysis. I think when I stopped and paused to think about it, life is so fragile and tender, that is true ! Life is also full of missed-opportunities !
Thursday evening was the memorial service and Rev Voo invited the relatives and friends to share on their thoughts of Brother Loong as he was fondly called. The series of speakers who shared on his life, that he was a funny person, full of jokes and laughters, a man with mission in his heart. I sat and listened and learnt :-
May my cousin, Andrew Ho (Brother Loong) rest in peace and his soul be with God and may his family remains in the faith of God !
Thursday evening was the memorial service and Rev Voo invited the relatives and friends to share on their thoughts of Brother Loong as he was fondly called. The series of speakers who shared on his life, that he was a funny person, full of jokes and laughters, a man with mission in his heart. I sat and listened and learnt :-
- Brother Loong is man a passion for Christ and mission. He has a heart for interior mission, helping kampungs in terms of finance, medicine and clothing.
- He is a kind and generous who gave and gave even when he was not rich.
- Last week Cell group was at his house and he shared about involving in Kampung Mission and he recently visited a church member to pray for her even himself needed to be helped by his wife to walk.
- My Auntie Oi shared that he cleared the backyard and got rid of all the junks in the last week of his life. He made it so clean now.
- In October (just a month ago), he shared on video as invited by the church, about his journey of faith. He spoke with poise and confidence that his God will deliver and heal him.
- In the last 7 months of his life, he was in and out of hospital for 4 times and the 3rd time was most severe as he spent 26 days there. Through all that, he praised God for being there for him.
- I have missed knowing such a caring and visionary cousin!
May my cousin, Andrew Ho (Brother Loong) rest in peace and his soul be with God and may his family remains in the faith of God !
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Kids say the darndest things
Wallace at 3, while crossing the Tamparuli hanging bridge, he wanted to hold daddy hands. When mum asked why, he replied, "Because pappa has more use !" (Obviously, he thought mum would be less useful should the hanging bridge fall!)
Bel at 5 was very curious about heaven, she asked while having her milk before bed, "Would there be food in heaven?" So, mum assured her that there will be plenty food in heaven, no need to worry. After a pause, she said,"How ? If I am hungry, do I go to Jesus and says : Jesus, I am hungry, can I have chicken and rice ?" Mum could not stop laughing, "No darling, I am not sure if they serve Hainanese Chicken Rice in heaven!"
Bel at 5 was learning Rukun Negara at Kindergarten Year 1.
Mum : Bel, has your school taught you on Rukun Negara?
Bel stamped her feet to attention.
Bel : Yes, we have to stand very straight and repeat after the teachers.
Mum : What have you learnt about it ?
Bel : Very hard to memorise but I remember Malaysia has many prawns !
Me : Er ? Why ?
Bel : Kedaulatan Udang-udang !
Bel happens to like prawns very much !
Bel at 5 was very curious about heaven, she asked while having her milk before bed, "Would there be food in heaven?" So, mum assured her that there will be plenty food in heaven, no need to worry. After a pause, she said,"How ? If I am hungry, do I go to Jesus and says : Jesus, I am hungry, can I have chicken and rice ?" Mum could not stop laughing, "No darling, I am not sure if they serve Hainanese Chicken Rice in heaven!"
Bel at 5 was learning Rukun Negara at Kindergarten Year 1.
Mum : Bel, has your school taught you on Rukun Negara?
Bel stamped her feet to attention.
Bel : Yes, we have to stand very straight and repeat after the teachers.
Mum : What have you learnt about it ?
Bel : Very hard to memorise but I remember Malaysia has many prawns !
Me : Er ? Why ?
Bel : Kedaulatan Udang-udang !
Bel happens to like prawns very much !
Classical Quote on the Bible
THE BIBLE contains the mind of God, the state of man, the way of salvation, the doom of sinners and the happiness of believers.
Its doctrines are holy, its precepts are binding, its histories are true, and its decisions are immutable.
Read it to be wise, believe it to be safe and practice it to be holy.
It contains light to direct you, food to support you and comfort to cheer you.
It is the traveler’s map, the pilgrim's staff, the pilot's compass, the soldier's sword and the Christian's charter.
Here paradise is restored, heaven opened and the gates of hell disclosed.
Christ is its grand object, our good is its design and the glory of God its end.
It should fill the memory, rule the heart, and guide the feet.
Read it slowly, frequently, and prayerfully.
It is a mine of wealth, a paradise of glory, and a river of pleasure.
It is given you in life, will be opened in the judgment, and will be remembered forever.
It involves the highest responsibility, will reward the greatest labor, and will condemn all who trifle with its sacred contents.
Pray it in, read it through, live it out, and pass it on.
-- Author Unknown --
-- Gideon Bible Preface--
The Bible is priceless in worth to me;
The depths of wisdom is enough for me to dwell on;
The width of knowledge stretch beyond my mind;
The length of God's love is unending;
The height of humanity is all explained.
All I ever needed to know,
All I ever wanted to read,
is all here waiting for me,
to come into the garden of God
to pluck, to spice up my life
to restore, to rest my tired soul.
I call it my Book of Life !
~ Doria
Mine of wealth,a paradise of glory,and a river of pleasure..
Mine of wealth,a paradise of glory,and a river of pleasure..
My facebook friend just posted the above in her profile status, such depth, I thought to myself. I google it and found that it is describing the Bible, the content and depth of its impact on our lives. Here are some of the google results on what is so precious about the Bible :-
http://www.fromoutoftheblue.com/blogs/peter/a-universal-experience
"It is the traveler's map, the pilgrim's staff, the pilot's compass, the soldier's sword, and the Christian's charter. Here Paradise is restored, Heaven opened, and the gates of hell disclosed" and "It should fill the memory, rule the heart, and guide the feet. Read it slowly, frequently, and prayerfully. It is a mine of wealth, a paradise of glory, and a river of pleasure."
http://www.wordproject.org/direct/salvation.htm
http://our.homewithgod.com/ewerluvd/hymndevotionals/3_5.htm
~* THY WORD IS LIKE A GARDEN, LORD *~
Edwin Hodder, 1837-1904
How sweet are thy words unto my taste! yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth!
Through thy precepts I get understanding: therefore I hate every false way.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
Psalm 119:103-105
For Today*: Psalm 119:105, 130; John 5:39, 6:63; II Timothy 3:16
Allow the Bible's relevance, beauty, and simplicity to thrill your soul.
**This little known hymn so struck me with it's beauty and simplicity that it was the first hymn text included in my first book, No Accident
Music url: The Cyber Hymnal http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/t/h/y/thywilgl.htm
http://www.christianityrestored.com/
This Book is the inspired, infallible Word of the Living God.
The Bible contains the mind of God, the state of man,
the way of salvation, the doom of sinners, and the happiness of believers.
Its doctrines are holy, its precepts are binding, its histories are true,
its prophecies are accurate, and its decisions are immutable.
Read it to be wise, believe it to be safe. and practice it to be holy.
It contains Light to direct you, Food to support you, to comfort and cheer you.
It is the traveler's map, the pilgrim's Staff, the pilot's Compass,
the soldier's sword, and the Christian's Charter.
Herein Paradise is restored, Heaven is opened, and the gates of hell are disclosed.
CHRIST IS ITS GRAND SUBJECT
Our good its design, and the glory of God its end. It should fill the memory,
rule the heart, and guide the feet. Read it slowly, frequently, and prayerfully.
It is a Mine of Wealth, a Paradise of Glory, and a River of Pleasure.
It is given to you in life, will be opened at the Judgment, and be remembered forever.
It involves the highest responsibility, rewards the greatest labor,
and condemns all who trifle with its sacred contents.
Amen
The Light Of His Word Dispels All Darkness
"Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgement." (1Corinthians 1:10)
It is only through God's Word and by His Spirit that this will be accomplished. Will you be among those who will search the scriptures to see if ye be in that faith of Biblical Christianity?
My facebook friend just posted the above in her profile status, such depth, I thought to myself. I google it and found that it is describing the Bible, the content and depth of its impact on our lives. Here are some of the google results on what is so precious about the Bible :-
http://www.fromoutoftheblue.com/blogs/peter/a-universal-experience
"It is the traveler's map, the pilgrim's staff, the pilot's compass, the soldier's sword, and the Christian's charter. Here Paradise is restored, Heaven opened, and the gates of hell disclosed" and "It should fill the memory, rule the heart, and guide the feet. Read it slowly, frequently, and prayerfully. It is a mine of wealth, a paradise of glory, and a river of pleasure."
http://www.wordproject.org/direct/salvation.htm
The Bible contains the mind of God, the state of man, the way of salvation, the doom of sinners, and the happiness of believers. Its doctrines are holy, its precepts are binding, its histories are true, and its decisions are immutable. Read it to be wise, believe it to be safe, and practice it to be holy. It contains light to direct you, food to support you, and comfort to cheer you.
It is the traveler's map, the pilgrim's staff, the pilot's compass, the soldier's sword, and the Christian's charter. Here Paradise is restored, Heaven opened, and the gates of hell disclosed. Christ is its grand subject, our good the design, and the glory of God its end.
It should fill the memory, rule the heart, and guide the feet. Read it slowly, frequently, and prayerfully. It is a mine of wealth, a paradise of glory, and a river of pleasure. It is given you in life, will be opened at the judgment, and be remembered forever. It involves the highest responsibility, will reward the greatest labor, and will condemn all who trifle with its sacred contents. [Found inside a Gideon's New Testament]
http://our.homewithgod.com/ewerluvd/hymndevotionals/3_5.htm
~* THY WORD IS LIKE A GARDEN, LORD *~
Edwin Hodder, 1837-1904
How sweet are thy words unto my taste! yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth!
Through thy precepts I get understanding: therefore I hate every false way.
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
Psalm 119:103-105
For the child of God, the daily reading of the Scriptures is the nourishment of the soul. The Bible's value has been described in many ways as the traveler's map, the pilgrim's staff, the pilot's compass, the soldier's sword, and the Christian's charter. Someone has offered this sage advice regarding the use of the Bible: "Read it to be wise, believe it to be safe, and practice it to be holy. Read it slowly, frequently, and prayerfully. It is a mine of wealth, a paradise of glory, and a river of pleasure."
Although just a lay amateur writer in England, Edwin Hodder was also impressed with the miraculous quality of the Bible. So in this hymn, first published in 1863, Hodder paints comparative pictures that both young and old can understand easily. Verse one begins with the thought that even casual seekers can find something from God's written landscape that will beautify their lives merely by "plucking a lovely cluster." Stanza one continues to say, however, that it is not enough to be a casual observer of this garden of beauty. Rather, we must earnestly search and dig into the Holy Scriptures' mighty depths for "jewels rich and rare".
Verse two extends the thought further that God's Word, like the starry host, is fathomless in giving guidance for life's journey. Finally, the hymn reminds us that there is an earnestness confronting each believer in the form of a warfare against sin and unrighteousness. For this battle we require the aid of God's Holy Word.
Thy Word is like a garden, Lord, with flowers bright and fair;
And every one who seeks may pluck a lovely cluster there.
Thy Word is like a deep, deep mine; and jewels rich and rare
Are hidden in its mighty depths for every searcher there.
Thy Word is like a starry host: a thousand rays of light
Are seen to guide the traveler and make his pathway bright.
Thy Word is like an armory, where soldiers may repair;
And find, for life’s long battle day, all needful weapons there.
O may I love Thy precious Word, may I explore the mine,
May I its fragrant flowers glean, may light upon me shine!
O may I find my armor there! Thy Word my trusty sword,
I’ll learn to fight with every foe the battle of the Lord.
For Today*: Psalm 119:105, 130; John 5:39, 6:63; II Timothy 3:16
Allow the Bible's relevance, beauty, and simplicity to thrill your soul.
**This little known hymn so struck me with it's beauty and simplicity that it was the first hymn text included in my first book, No Accident
Music url: The Cyber Hymnal http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/t/h/y/thywilgl.htm
http://www.christianityrestored.com/
This Book is the inspired, infallible Word of the Living God.
The Bible contains the mind of God, the state of man,
the way of salvation, the doom of sinners, and the happiness of believers.
Its doctrines are holy, its precepts are binding, its histories are true,
its prophecies are accurate, and its decisions are immutable.
Read it to be wise, believe it to be safe. and practice it to be holy.
It contains Light to direct you, Food to support you, to comfort and cheer you.
It is the traveler's map, the pilgrim's Staff, the pilot's Compass,
the soldier's sword, and the Christian's Charter.
Herein Paradise is restored, Heaven is opened, and the gates of hell are disclosed.
CHRIST IS ITS GRAND SUBJECT
Our good its design, and the glory of God its end. It should fill the memory,
rule the heart, and guide the feet. Read it slowly, frequently, and prayerfully.
It is a Mine of Wealth, a Paradise of Glory, and a River of Pleasure.
It is given to you in life, will be opened at the Judgment, and be remembered forever.
It involves the highest responsibility, rewards the greatest labor,
and condemns all who trifle with its sacred contents.
Amen
The Bible is our rule of faith...
And Christ alone is Lord;
All we are equal in His sight
When we obey His Word;
No earthly master do we know
To man-rule will not bow;
But to each other and to God
Eternal trueness vow.
The Light Of His Word Dispels All Darkness
"Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgement." (1Corinthians 1:10)
It is only through God's Word and by His Spirit that this will be accomplished. Will you be among those who will search the scriptures to see if ye be in that faith of Biblical Christianity?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Greenland Airman
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
Monday, September 20, 2010
MALAYSIA HOTLINE
http://www.hotline.com.my/hotline.html
This website contains some of the useful telephone contacts for Malaysia citizens. You never know you may need it !
This website contains some of the useful telephone contacts for Malaysia citizens. You never know you may need it !
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Funny Adds
The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.
- "Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."
- "Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."
- "Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."
- "Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."
- "Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
- "Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."
- "Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
- "Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
- "Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
- "We’ll move you worldwide throughout the country."
- "Tattoos done while you wait."
- "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
- "Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
- "Illiterate? Write today for free help."
- "Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."
- "Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."
- "Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."
- "Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."
- "Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
- "Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."
- "Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
- "Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
- "Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
- "We’ll move you worldwide throughout the country."
- "Tattoos done while you wait."
- "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
- "Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
- "Illiterate? Write today for free help."
Friday, June 18, 2010
The Three Sons
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Beads Craft FUN !!!
After buying this from IKEA, our family has been having some craft attack on beans ! The ironing part is difficult to master, we spoilt the first one including the mould !
We started with easy ones !
Abstract one !
Initial EH
One for GB !
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Do we remember this ?
Written by Dr. John Brian Anthony
Dayakbaru:
The 20 point agreement / 18 point agreement is between made between TWO countries ( Malaya and Sabah / Malaya and Sarawak).
Such being the case, no changes can be made on the agreement without the consent of the other. In the case, they seemed to be effort by the Federal Government to put aside this agreement or even ignore this agreement as it gets their way of integrating Sabah and sarawak according to West malaysia UMNO point of views and political agenda.
Sabah and sarawak must NEVER give up on this agreement as it provides us with more autonomy. The founding fathers has the foresight to see the greed of West Malaysian and sadly for Sabah since UMNO has come in and rule Sabah it has lost most of its autonomy. sarawak should continue to fight to uphold the 18 points agreement. While working with PKR those leaders from sarawak MUST insist that Pakatan Rakyat respect and enforce the 18 point agreement when they do come into power.
Monitor and review the implementation of the agreement
The government of Sarawak may like to consider setting a monitoring and reviewing committee to consolidate the implementation status and audit the programme that has been set to comply with the agreement. That will help Sarawak Malaysian to understand how much has been done in respect to the 18 point agreement.
Probably it would be good initiative to trace this document back in the UK to find more detail on the intent, spirit, process and even minutes of discussion leading to the signing of these agreement.
A memorandum for House of Lord in UK
Where is the Cobbold commission report now – probably in UK too. Malaya would never want to show it because the result is 33% want Malaysia, 33% do not want Malaysia and 33% undecided. How they concluded that Sabah and Sarawak should join Malaysia based on the statistics only “Allah” know. The British has some explaining to do to both Sarawak and sabah. Maybe a memorandum should be sent to the House of Lord to ask for explanation on the matter.
What is the agreement all about?
The 20-point agreement, or the 20-point memorandum, is an agreement made between the state of Sabah (then North Borneo) with what would be the federal government of Malaysia prior to the formation of Malaysia in September 16, 1963. A similar agreement was made between the state of Sarawak and the federal government but with certain differences in their 18-point agreement
The agreement
Point 1: Religion
While there was no objection to Islam being the national religion of Malaysia there should be no State religion in Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah), and the provisions relating to Islam in the present Constitution of Malaya should not apply to Borneo
Point 2: Language
* a. Malay should be the national language of the Federation
* b. English should continue to be used for a period of 10 years after Malaysia Day
* c. English should be an official language of Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) for all purposes, State or Federal, without limitation of time.
Point 3: Constitution
Whilst accepting that the present Constitution of the Federation of Malaya should form the basis of the Constitution of Malaysia, the Constitution of Malaysia should be a completely new document drafted and agreed in the light of a free association of states and should not be a series of amendments to a Constitution drafted and agreed by different states in totally different circumstances. A new Constitution for Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) was of course essential.
Point 4: Head of Federation
The Head of State in Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) should not be eligible for election as Head of the Federation
Point 5: Name of Federation
“Malaysia” but not “Melayu Raya”
Point 6: Immigration
Control over immigration into any part of Malaysia from outside should rest with the Central Government but entry into Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) should also require the approval of the State Government. The Federal Government should not be able to veto the entry of persons into Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) for State Government purposes except on strictly security grounds. Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) should have unfettered control over the movements of persons other than those in Federal Government employ from other parts of Malaysia Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah).
Point 7: Right of Secession
There should be no right to secede from the Federation
Point 8: Borneanisation
Borneanisation of the public service should proceed as quickly as possible.
Point 9: British Officers
Every effort should be made to encourage British Officers to remain in the public service until their places can be taken by suitably qualified people from Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah)
Point 10: Citizenship
The recommendation in paragraph 148(k) of the Report of the Cobbold Commission should govern the citizenship rights in the Federation of Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) subject to the following amendments:
* a) sub-paragraph (i) should not contain the proviso as to five years residence
* b) in order to tie up with our law, sub-paragraph (ii)(a) should read “7 out of 10 years” instead of “8 out of 10 years”
* c) sub-paragraph (iii) should not contain any restriction tied to the citizenship of parents – a person born in Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) after Malaysia must be federal citizen.
Point 11: Tariffs and Finance
Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) should retain control of its own finance, development and tariff, and should have the right to work up its own taxation and to raise loans on its own credit.
Point 12: Special position of indigenous races
In principle, the indigenous races of Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) should enjoy special rights analogous to those enjoyed by Malays in Malaya, but the present Malays’ formula in this regard is not necessarily applicable in Borneo(Sarawak & Sabah)
Point 13: State Government
* a) the Prime Minister should be elected by unofficial members of Legislative Council
* b) There should be a proper Ministerial system in Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah)
Point 14: Transitional period
This should be seven years and during such period legislative power must be left with the State of Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) by the Constitution and not be merely delegated to the State Government by the Federal Government
Point 15: Education
The existing educational system of Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) should be maintained and for this reason it should be under state control
Point 16: Constitutional safeguards
No amendment modification or withdrawal of any special safeguard granted to Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) should be made by the Central Government without the positive concurrence of the Government of the State of North Borneo
The power of amending the Constitution of the State of Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) should belong exclusively to the people in the state. (Note: The United Party, The Democratic Party and the Pasok Momogun Party considered that a three-fourth majority would be required in order to effect any amendment to the Federal and State Constitutions whereas the UNKO and USNO considered a two-thirds majority would be sufficient)
Point 17: Representation in Federal Parliament
This should take account not only of the population of Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah) but also of its seize and potentialities and in any case should not be less than that of Singapore
Point 18: Name of Head of State
Yang di-Pertua Negara
Point 19: Name of State
Sarawak or Sabah
Point 20: Land, Forests, Local Government, etc.
The provisions in the Constitution of the Federation in respect of the powers of the National Land Council should not apply in Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah). Likewise, the National Council for Local Government should not apply in Borneo (Sarawak & Sabah).
*Merger
In 1961, when the Malayan government began discussing a possible merger with neighbouring Singapore, Sabah, Sarawak and Brunei, problems of ethnic power relations arose again. The “Malaysia” proposal sans Sabah and Sarawak went back more than a decade; earlier negotiations had proved fruitless. The Singaporeans themselves were not anxious to be ruled by what they considered a Malay government. By 1961, however, Singapore had grown receptive to the idea of joining Malaysia, largely because of the prevailing idea at the time that industrial Singapore could not survive without access to Malayan markets.
Singapore Chinese population is a threat to Malaya
The Malayan government was not keen on having the Chinese Singaporean population push the Malays into a minority position in the new Malaysia. Many Malays felt that upsetting the Malay-dominated nature of the armed forces and police might place them in a dangerous situation. It was also argued that the inferior economic position of the Malays would be emphasised by the entry of even more rich Chinese, setting the stage for major discontent.
Malaya get Sabah and Sarawak to form Malaysia to make use of their native population numbers
The Malayans decided to resolve this by merging with Sabah and Sarawak; both British colonies had large native populations whom the government considered “Malay”. Under Article 160 of the Constitution, most of them were not Malay; the natives were mainly animists or Christians instead of Muslims as required. To resolve this issue, the government expanded its informal definition of “Malay” to include these people.
Monday, March 8, 2010
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Money Talks
A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."
The late Son
A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:
"I hope I haven’t made you feel uncomfortable - it’s just that you look so much like my late son."
"Oh, that’s ok," he said.
"I know it’s silly," she continued, "but if you called out ’Goodbye, Mother’ as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone’s day the man went to pay for his groceries.
"That’ll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk.
"How come?" inquired the man. "I’ve only bought a few things!"
"Yeah, but your mother said you’d pay for her..."
Q& A About Australia from Australian Tourism Website
Australian Tourism Website
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night-clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night-clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first
IF
If...
- If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
- If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
- If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
- If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn’t an exterminator be the opposite?
- If there’s an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
- If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
- If anything’s possible, then is it possible that nothing’s possible?
- If Practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
- If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
- If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
- If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
- If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
- If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
- If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
- If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
- If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
- If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn’t an exterminator be the opposite?
- If there’s an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
- If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
- If anything’s possible, then is it possible that nothing’s possible?
- If Practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
- If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
- If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
- If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
- If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
- If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
What is Favism / G6PD ?
Favism is a medical condition which is caused by an enzyme deficiency in the blood. People with this deficiency can experience anemia as a result of exposure to fava beans. The condition is most common in people who live around the Mediterranean, and it generally affects men, although women can be carriers. For people with this deficiency, an assortment of other foods and some pharmaceuticals can also trigger a reaction. The most effective treatment is avoidance of substances which can trigger anemia, and a blood transfusion for people in anemic crisis.
Officially, favism is known as Glucose-6-Phosphate Dehydrogenase Deficiency, or G6PD. The severity of this condition varies from patient to patient; in all cases, people suffer what is known as hemolytic anemia because their lack of this enzyme means that the health of their red blood cells is impaired. As a result, the cells can break down very quickly, triggering a range of symptoms from tiredness to coma, depending on the severity of the anemia. Southeast Asians and some Africans are also at risk of favism.
Fava beans have been linked with anemic conditions since ancient times, which is why “favism” is used as a generic name for G6PD deficiency. However, not all people with this condition react to fava beans, and other legumes can also spark an anemic episode. G6PD deficiency also causes severe reactions with some medications; people with this condition should talk to their doctors, as different drugs represent different risks for unique individuals, and the list of risky drugs is quite long.
For someone with severe favism, exposure to the pollen of fava beans can cause a reaction, as will consumption of the beans. The patient may feel tired, feverish, or experience a headache, and the condition can also cause abdominal pain, nausea, and vomiting. If left untreated, favism can result in serious health problems, like a coma. Early warning signs of favism include jaundice, dark urine, and a general sense of feeling run down and tired all the time.
People who think that they may have favism can be tested for it. There is a simple blood test which will check a patient's enzyme levels to determine whether or not the patient has favism and how severe the condition is. If anyone in your family has the condition, you may want to consider testing, since G6PD is genetic.
What is Favism / G6PD ?
Officially, favism is known as Glucose-6-Phosphate Dehydrogenase Deficiency, or G6PD. The severity of this condition varies from patient to patient; in all cases, people suffer what is known as hemolytic anemia because their lack of this enzyme means that the health of their red blood cells is impaired. As a result, the cells can break down very quickly, triggering a range of symptoms from tiredness to coma, depending on the severity of the anemia. Southeast Asians and some Africans are also at risk of favism.
Fava beans have been linked with anemic conditions since ancient times, which is why “favism” is used as a generic name for G6PD deficiency. However, not all people with this condition react to fava beans, and other legumes can also spark an anemic episode. G6PD deficiency also causes severe reactions with some medications; people with this condition should talk to their doctors, as different drugs represent different risks for unique individuals, and the list of risky drugs is quite long.
For someone with severe favism, exposure to the pollen of fava beans can cause a reaction, as will consumption of the beans. The patient may feel tired, feverish, or experience a headache, and the condition can also cause abdominal pain, nausea, and vomiting. If left untreated, favism can result in serious health problems, like a coma. Early warning signs of favism include jaundice, dark urine, and a general sense of feeling run down and tired all the time.
People who think that they may have favism can be tested for it. There is a simple blood test which will check a patient's enzyme levels to determine whether or not the patient has favism and how severe the condition is. If anyone in your family has the condition, you may want to consider testing, since G6PD is genetic.
What is Favism / G6PD ?
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Silly Question
If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares?
Who cares?
Chihuahua
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man", the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me". The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs". The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man", the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me". The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs". The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Accident Reports for laugh
Accident reports
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have."
"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife’s face."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have."
"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."
"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife’s face."
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Q’s & A’s
Q. How do we know men invented maps?
A. Who else would make an inch into a mile?
Q. What do you call a monk who has had a sex-change
operation in order to become a nun?
A. A transsister.
Q. What´s a Redneck´s idea of safe sex?
A. Locking the truck door.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes
Q. How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she
was pregnant?
A. The kid stutters.
in a bar...
One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy,
- "Hey you look just like me!"
The other man agrees and asks,
- "Where are you from?"
The first guy answers,
- "Chicago."
- "Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"
- "Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.
- "Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What’s your address?"
- "951"
- "Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents’ names?"
- "John and Cathy," says the first guy.
- "Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we’re related!?"
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.
"No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."
One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy,
- "Hey you look just like me!"
The other man agrees and asks,
- "Where are you from?"
The first guy answers,
- "Chicago."
- "Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"
- "Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.
- "Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What’s your address?"
- "951"
- "Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents’ names?"
- "John and Cathy," says the first guy.
- "Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we’re related!?"
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.
"No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."
Friday, February 12, 2010
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
College of Logic
College of Logic
Two Men are driving down the interstate when one notices a sign that says "College of Logic 5 miles." Neither one knows what it means and are both curious.
The two men take the exit to the college and the driver goes in to investigate. He quickly finds a professor to explain...
Driver: "What does ’College of Logic’ mean?"
Prof: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"
Driver: "Yes, I do."
Prof: "Well, then I can logically assume that you have a yard."
Driver: "Yes, I have a very big yard."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a house."
Driver: "I have a very big house."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a family."
Driver: "I have a wife and two kids."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
Driver: "Yes Sir, staight as a board, always have been. I think I understand what this school is all about, thank you for your time."
Then the driver heads back out to the car to continue on his way. When he gets back to the car, the passenger asks about the school...
Passenger: "So, what’s it all about?"
Driver: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"
Passenger: "No."
Driver: "Then you’re a Homo!"
Two Men are driving down the interstate when one notices a sign that says "College of Logic 5 miles." Neither one knows what it means and are both curious.
The two men take the exit to the college and the driver goes in to investigate. He quickly finds a professor to explain...
Driver: "What does ’College of Logic’ mean?"
Prof: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"
Driver: "Yes, I do."
Prof: "Well, then I can logically assume that you have a yard."
Driver: "Yes, I have a very big yard."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a house."
Driver: "I have a very big house."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a family."
Driver: "I have a wife and two kids."
Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
Driver: "Yes Sir, staight as a board, always have been. I think I understand what this school is all about, thank you for your time."
Then the driver heads back out to the car to continue on his way. When he gets back to the car, the passenger asks about the school...
Passenger: "So, what’s it all about?"
Driver: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"
Passenger: "No."
Driver: "Then you’re a Homo!"
War
War
"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the
other bastard die for his."
- General George Patton (1885-1945)
"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the
other bastard die for his."
- General George Patton (1885-1945)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Reastaurant Blunders
- "Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor’s take-out menu.
- "Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald’s in California.
- "Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.
- "Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.
Waitress: "would you like your breadsticks with or without cheese?".
Customer: "What’s the difference?"
- "How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken meal?"
- "Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.
- "Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald’s in California.
- "Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.
- "Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.
Waitress: "would you like your breadsticks with or without cheese?".
Customer: "What’s the difference?"
- "How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken meal?"
- "Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.
School Play ...
School Play ...
Matt´s dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted that day, he asked his son if he got one.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who´s been married for twenty years."
"That´s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they´ll be giving you a speaking part."
Matt´s dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted that day, he asked his son if he got one.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who´s been married for twenty years."
"That´s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they´ll be giving you a speaking part."
Actual Warning Labels
Actual Warning Labels
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On a fireplace lighter.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally’s commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On a fireplace lighter.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally’s commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Good questions
- When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what???s the difference?
- Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
- Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
- Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
- Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
- Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
- Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
Promoting an office
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why!
The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :
Psycho-
the-
rapist
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.
But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why!
The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :
Psycho-
the-
rapist
FBI, CIA, LAPD
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I?m a rabbit! I?m a rabbit!"
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I?m a rabbit! I?m a rabbit!"
A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
No need for thanks
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman?s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn?t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman?s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said,
- "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
- "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
Funny Movie Facts
More things you would never know without the movies:
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it?s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
Doctor Quotes
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
- On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993
- The patient refused an autopsy
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital
- Patient?s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
- She is numb from her toes down
- Patient was alert and unresponsive
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead
- Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities
- Skin: Somewhat pale but present
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better
- On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993
- The patient refused an autopsy
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital
- Patient?s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
- She is numb from her toes down
- Patient was alert and unresponsive
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead
- Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities
- Skin: Somewhat pale but present
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.
The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
A no-frills airline
You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
11. No movie. Don't need one.
12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
Warning labels, once again
"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.
"The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the ?on? position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.
"Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.
"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.
"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.
"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.
I'll use my seeing eye dog
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
Two roaches having a discussion
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
Preacher golf
A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn?t give the sermon. The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.
The pastor drove about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, "Are You going to let him get away with this?" God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it.
Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic. Jesus asked God,"Why would you let him do that?" God said, "Because, who is he gonna tell?"
Empty swimming pool
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
The Pirate
The Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven?t seen
you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn?t have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I?m fine
now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I?m fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them S*#t in my eye."
"You?re kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn?t lose an eye
just from some bird S*%t."
"It was my first day with the hook."
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven?t seen
you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn?t have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I?m fine
now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I?m fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them S*#t in my eye."
"You?re kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn?t lose an eye
just from some bird S*%t."
"It was my first day with the hook."
Friday, February 5, 2010
Salesman
A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."
The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"
The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Things Adults Learn From Kids:
- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house - they will find a way to get in
- A 4 years-old?s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Snoopy underwear and a Superman cape.
- It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn?t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it?s already too late.
- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
- Super glue is forever.
- McGyver can teach us many things we don?t want to know.
- Ditto Tarzan.
- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can?t walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jello.
- VCR?s do not eject sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
- Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
- It will however make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- Quiet does not necessarily mean don?t worry.
- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
- A 4 years-old?s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Snoopy underwear and a Superman cape.
- It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn?t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it?s already too late.
- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
- Super glue is forever.
- McGyver can teach us many things we don?t want to know.
- Ditto Tarzan.
- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can?t walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jello.
- VCR?s do not eject sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
- Plastic toys do not like ovens.
- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
- It will however make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- Quiet does not necessarily mean don?t worry.
- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Real, Transparent, Virtual, Gone
If you can touch it and you can see it, it’s REAL.
If you can touch it but you can’t see it, it’s TRANSPARENT.
If you can’t touch it but you can see it, it’s VIRTUAL.
If you can’t touch it and you can’t see it, it’s GONE.
If you can touch it but you can’t see it, it’s TRANSPARENT.
If you can’t touch it but you can see it, it’s VIRTUAL.
If you can’t touch it and you can’t see it, it’s GONE.
Before and after marriage
Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I’m suffocating.
Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.
Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he’s done...
Before - Don’t Stop.
After - Don’t Start.
Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.
Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?
Before - He’s lost without me.
After - Why can’t he ask for directions?
Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?
After - I feel like I’m suffocating.
Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.
Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he’s done...
Before - Don’t Stop.
After - Don’t Start.
Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.
Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?
Before - He’s lost without me.
After - Why can’t he ask for directions?
Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?
Teacher about whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"
Teaching the child
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Parrots and Computers
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
Slow softwear?
From the real life of a computer supporter:
A very irate dentist called to complain that the custom office package which I had written was extremely slow.
Irate Dentist: "It takes thirty minutes for the receptionist to enter an appointment! This package is a piece of @#%$^!! Come down here this afternoon and get it out of here!"
I was able to calm him down and offered to rewrite any portion of the software that wasn’t executing correctly, which he finally agreed to. That afternoon I sat with the receptionist to watch her use the software and see where the slowdown occurred.
She began entering her first appointment:
S............... m............... i............... t.............. h............
I have never seen hunting and pecking go so agonizingly slow. No wonder it took thirty minutes to enter an appointment.
A very irate dentist called to complain that the custom office package which I had written was extremely slow.
Irate Dentist: "It takes thirty minutes for the receptionist to enter an appointment! This package is a piece of @#%$^!! Come down here this afternoon and get it out of here!"
I was able to calm him down and offered to rewrite any portion of the software that wasn’t executing correctly, which he finally agreed to. That afternoon I sat with the receptionist to watch her use the software and see where the slowdown occurred.
She began entering her first appointment:
S............... m............... i............... t.............. h............
I have never seen hunting and pecking go so agonizingly slow. No wonder it took thirty minutes to enter an appointment.
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