Real, Transparent, Virtual, Gone

If you can touch it and you can see it, it’s REAL.

If you can touch it but you can’t see it, it’s TRANSPARENT.

If you can’t touch it but you can see it, it’s VIRTUAL.

If you can’t touch it and you can’t see it, it’s GONE.

Before and after marriage

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I’m suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he’s done...

Before - Don’t Stop.
After - Don’t Start.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?

Before - He’s lost without me.
After - Why can’t he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

Teacher about whales

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"

Teaching the child

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

Parrots and Computers

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".


The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

Slow softwear?

From the real life of a computer supporter:

A very irate dentist called to complain that the custom office package which I had written was extremely slow.

Irate Dentist: "It takes thirty minutes for the receptionist to enter an appointment! This package is a piece of @#%$^!! Come down here this afternoon and get it out of here!"

I was able to calm him down and offered to rewrite any portion of the software that wasn’t executing correctly, which he finally agreed to. That afternoon I sat with the receptionist to watch her use the software and see where the slowdown occurred.

She began entering her first appointment:
S............... m............... i............... t.............. h............

I have never seen hunting and pecking go so agonizingly slow. No wonder it took thirty minutes to enter an appointment.