Wallace and his money stories

Wallace and his money stories

Of the four children, Wallace, the second in the family, has a special affair with money. Its probably due to the fact that he is more interested in money affairs since young. Here are stories about Wallace and his moneys during the early school days.

It took dad a long time to decide that both Wallace, 7 years old,  and his elder brother Elliot, 9 years old, can handle money well and entrusted them some pocket moneys to be spent  at school or to be saved up in the camel “piggy” banks they each have.

Elliot being older was much more prudent with money, he ate the food taken from home and he saved up, sometimes, all of it in the camel bank. Wallace was much younger and he spent it all almost everyday. However, he always has a good reason why he did not save or save so little like twenty cents.

Story #1 

One day, Wallace came back and told mum that he did try to save but fail, here’s why.

“I almost saved thirty cents today but my friend Alex tricked me of the last thirty cents I have”, complained a very upset Wallace.

“I see, how did it happen ?”, asked mum.

“You see, during recess time, I just asked Alex how much would a pack of “Mamee” dry noodles cost. He answered me its thirty cents and he ran away. He came back with a pack of Mamee and put into my pocket and asked me to pay him thrity cents.”, Wallace described in great length.

“Perhaps, you indicated that you wish to eat Mamee?”, asked mum.

“No, I didn’t,” answered Wallace.

“Or may be you looked hungry and he felt you needed food?”, asked mum again.

“No, I just had my meehon by then.”, answered Wallace.

“Did you ask him to buy for you ? Otherwise, you do not need to pay him.”, suggested Elliot.

“Of course, not. You see mummy, that’s why I do not save any cent today.”, concluded Wallace.

“You and your money stories !”, mum exclaimed.

Story #2 

Another day, Wallace came back with one Pizza bun in his hand, waving proudly.

“Do you see this Pizza bun, mummy ?”, asked Wallace enthusiastically.

“Yes, what about it ?”, replied mum.

“Well, this is the strangest thing of all. I saw my friend holding this Pizza bun, and I asked him how much it costs. He told me its one Ringgit and then he offered to sell it to me. So, I accepted and paid him one Ringgit. The strange thing is after he received my money, he gave me the Pizza and returned two Ringgits to me ! So, I have two Ringgits after I bought the Pizza, and I spent one Ringgit with mee and save the other one Ringgit !”, explained Wallace.

“That’s impossible ! How did he calculate ?”, exclaimed mum.

“Are you sure you did not take it from him ?”, questioned mum.

“No, really no, I did not do such things. The thing is, he is quite a rich boy, I figure and he just decides to give me two Ringgits. He is also my best friend in school !”, replied Wallace, trying to explain his way out.

“Are you saying that your friend is paying you one Ringgit to eat that Pizza bun ? Perhaps its poisonous !”, exclaimed Elliot.

“Of course, not, don’t be silly.”, answered Wallace.

“You and your money stories !”, mum and Elliot both exclaimed together.

Greenland Airman

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

Funny Adds

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.

- "Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."

- "Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."

- "Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."

- "Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."

- "Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."

- "Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."

- "Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."

- "Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."

- "Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

- "We’ll move you worldwide throughout the country."

- "Tattoos done while you wait."

- "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

- "Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."

- "Illiterate? Write today for free help."

The Three Sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 to repair the roof of the church."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30,000."

Money Talks

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church."

Q& A About Australia from Australian Tourism Website

Australian Tourism Website
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night-clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

IF

If...

- If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
- If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
- If there were a knowledge contest, would the female winner be called Miss Informed?
- If a terminator is someone who kills, shouldn’t an exterminator be the opposite?
- If there’s an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
- If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
- If anything’s possible, then is it possible that nothing’s possible?
- If Practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, then why practice?
- If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
- If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
- If a tree fell on a mime in the forest, would he make a sound and would anyone care?
- If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can’t find himself?
- If the cops arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Silly Question

If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?

Who cares?

Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.

Chihuahua
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man", the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me". The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs". The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Accident Reports for laugh

Accident reports
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have."

"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife’s face."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

Q’s & A’s

Q. How do we know men invented maps?
A. Who else would make an inch into a mile?

Q. What do you call a monk who has had a sex-change
operation in order to become a nun?
A. A transsister.

Q. What´s a Redneck´s idea of safe sex?
A. Locking the truck door.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes

Q. How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she
was pregnant?
A. The kid stutters.

in a bar...
One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy,
- "Hey you look just like me!"

The other man agrees and asks,
- "Where are you from?"

The first guy answers,
- "Chicago."

- "Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"

- "Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.

- "Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What’s your address?"
- "951"

- "Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents’ names?"

- "John and Cathy," says the first guy.

- "Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we’re related!?"

Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.
"No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

College of Logic

College of Logic
Two Men are driving down the interstate when one notices a sign that says "College of Logic 5 miles." Neither one knows what it means and are both curious.

The two men take the exit to the college and the driver goes in to investigate. He quickly finds a professor to explain...

Driver: "What does ’College of Logic’ mean?"

Prof: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"

Driver: "Yes, I do."

Prof: "Well, then I can logically assume that you have a yard."

Driver: "Yes, I have a very big yard."

Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a house."

Driver: "I have a very big house."

Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a family."

Driver: "I have a wife and two kids."

Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."

Driver: "Yes Sir, staight as a board, always have been. I think I understand what this school is all about, thank you for your time."

Then the driver heads back out to the car to continue on his way. When he gets back to the car, the passenger asks about the school...

Passenger: "So, what’s it all about?"

Driver: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"

Passenger: "No."

Driver: "Then you’re a Homo!"

An economist is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing

What did the circle say to the tangent line?

"Stop touching me!"

War

War
"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the
other bastard die for his."

- General George Patton (1885-1945)

Reastaurant Blunders

- "Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor’s take-out menu.

- "Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald’s in California.

- "Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.

- "Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.

Waitress: "would you like your breadsticks with or without cheese?".
Customer: "What’s the difference?"

- "How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken meal?"

- "Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.