Silly Question

If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?

Who cares?

Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.

Chihuahua
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man", the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me". The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs". The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Accident Reports for laugh

Accident reports
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have."

"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife’s face."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

Q’s & A’s

Q. How do we know men invented maps?
A. Who else would make an inch into a mile?

Q. What do you call a monk who has had a sex-change
operation in order to become a nun?
A. A transsister.

Q. What´s a Redneck´s idea of safe sex?
A. Locking the truck door.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes

Q. How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she
was pregnant?
A. The kid stutters.

in a bar...
One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy,
- "Hey you look just like me!"

The other man agrees and asks,
- "Where are you from?"

The first guy answers,
- "Chicago."

- "Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"

- "Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.

- "Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What’s your address?"
- "951"

- "Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents’ names?"

- "John and Cathy," says the first guy.

- "Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we’re related!?"

Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.
"No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"