Silly Question

If you throw a violist and a soprano off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first?

Who cares?

Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.

Chihuahua
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man", the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me". The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs". The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Accident Reports for laugh

Accident reports
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have."

"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

"No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal."

"I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."

"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife’s face."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

Q’s & A’s

Q. How do we know men invented maps?
A. Who else would make an inch into a mile?

Q. What do you call a monk who has had a sex-change
operation in order to become a nun?
A. A transsister.

Q. What´s a Redneck´s idea of safe sex?
A. Locking the truck door.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes

Q. How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she
was pregnant?
A. The kid stutters.

in a bar...
One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy,
- "Hey you look just like me!"

The other man agrees and asks,
- "Where are you from?"

The first guy answers,
- "Chicago."

- "Me too!" says the second guy, "What street do you live on?"

- "Forty-Ninth Street," answers the first guy.

- "Me too!" says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. "What’s your address?"
- "951"

- "Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents’ names?"

- "John and Cathy," says the first guy.

- "Me too!" shouts the second guy. "I wonder if we’re related!?"

Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.
"No," says the first bartender, "just the Smith twins, drunk again."

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

College of Logic

College of Logic
Two Men are driving down the interstate when one notices a sign that says "College of Logic 5 miles." Neither one knows what it means and are both curious.

The two men take the exit to the college and the driver goes in to investigate. He quickly finds a professor to explain...

Driver: "What does ’College of Logic’ mean?"

Prof: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"

Driver: "Yes, I do."

Prof: "Well, then I can logically assume that you have a yard."

Driver: "Yes, I have a very big yard."

Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a house."

Driver: "I have a very big house."

Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a family."

Driver: "I have a wife and two kids."

Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."

Driver: "Yes Sir, staight as a board, always have been. I think I understand what this school is all about, thank you for your time."

Then the driver heads back out to the car to continue on his way. When he gets back to the car, the passenger asks about the school...

Passenger: "So, what’s it all about?"

Driver: "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question, Do you own a Lawn mower?"

Passenger: "No."

Driver: "Then you’re a Homo!"

An economist is someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing

What did the circle say to the tangent line?

"Stop touching me!"

War

War
"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the
other bastard die for his."

- General George Patton (1885-1945)

Reastaurant Blunders

- "Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor’s take-out menu.

- "Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald’s in California.

- "Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.

- "Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.

Waitress: "would you like your breadsticks with or without cheese?".
Customer: "What’s the difference?"

- "How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken meal?"

- "Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.

School Play ...

School Play ...
Matt´s dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted that day, he asked his son if he got one.

Matt enthusiastically announced that he had. "I play a man who´s been married for twenty years."

"That´s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they´ll be giving you a speaking part."

Actual Warning Labels

Actual Warning Labels
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On a fireplace lighter.

"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.

"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.


"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally’s commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?

If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Good questions

- When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what???s the difference?
- Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
- Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
- Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

Promoting an office
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why!

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist

FBI, CIA, LAPD
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I?m a rabbit! I?m a rabbit!"

A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,

"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"

No need for thanks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman?s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn?t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman?s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said,
- "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

- "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Funny Movie Facts

More things you would never know without the movies:

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it?s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

Doctor Quotes

- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year

- On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely

- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993

- The patient refused an autopsy

- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital

- Patient?s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days

- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch

- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night

- She is numb from her toes down

- Patient was alert and unresponsive

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce

- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy

- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead

- Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities

- Skin: Somewhat pale but present

- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

A no-frills airline

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."

11. No movie. Don't need one.

12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"

"I'm positive." replied the atom.

General Computer

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?

Warning labels, once again

"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

"The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the ?on? position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.

"Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

I'll use my seeing eye dog

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

Two roaches having a discussion

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Preacher golf

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn?t give the sermon. The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.

The pastor drove about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, "Are You going to let him get away with this?" God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it.

Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic. Jesus asked God,"Why would you let him do that?" God said, "Because, who is he gonna tell?"

Empty swimming pool

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

The Pirate

The Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven?t seen
you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn?t have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I?m fine
now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I?m fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them S*#t in my eye."

"You?re kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn?t lose an eye
just from some bird S*%t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Salesman

A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

Things Adults Learn From Kids:

- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house - they will find a way to get in

- A 4 years-old?s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Snoopy underwear and a Superman cape.

- It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn?t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it?s already too late.

- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

- Super glue is forever.

- McGyver can teach us many things we don?t want to know.

- Ditto Tarzan.

- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can?t walk on water.

- Pool filters do not like Jello.

- VCR?s do not eject sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

- Plastic toys do not like ovens.

- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

- It will however make cats dizzy.

- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

- Quiet does not necessarily mean don?t worry.

- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).