The Pirate

The Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven?t seen
you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn?t have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I?m fine
now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I?m fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them S*#t in my eye."

"You?re kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn?t lose an eye
just from some bird S*%t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Salesman

A vacuum salesman appeared at the door of an old lady's cottage and, without allowing the woman to speak, rushed into the living room and threw a large bag of dirt all over her clean carpet. He said, "If this new vacuum doesn't pick up every bit of dirt then I'll eat all the dirt."

The woman, who by this time was losing her patience, said, "Sir, if I had enough money to buy that thing, I would have paid my electricity bill before they cut it off. Now, what would you prefer, a spoon or a knife and fork?"

Things Adults Learn From Kids:

- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house - they will find a way to get in

- A 4 years-old?s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Snoopy underwear and a Superman cape.

- It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn?t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it?s already too late.

- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.

- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

- Super glue is forever.

- McGyver can teach us many things we don?t want to know.

- Ditto Tarzan.

- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can?t walk on water.

- Pool filters do not like Jello.

- VCR?s do not eject sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

- Plastic toys do not like ovens.

- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.

- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

- It will however make cats dizzy.

- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

- Quiet does not necessarily mean don?t worry.

- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

Real, Transparent, Virtual, Gone

If you can touch it and you can see it, it’s REAL.

If you can touch it but you can’t see it, it’s TRANSPARENT.

If you can’t touch it but you can see it, it’s VIRTUAL.

If you can’t touch it and you can’t see it, it’s GONE.

Before and after marriage

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I’m suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he’s done...

Before - Don’t Stop.
After - Don’t Start.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?

Before - He’s lost without me.
After - Why can’t he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

Teacher about whales

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him"