Actual Warning Labels

Actual Warning Labels
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On a fireplace lighter.

"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.

"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.


"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally’s commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?

If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Good questions

- When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what???s the difference?
- Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
- Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
- Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

Promoting an office
A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why!

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist

FBI, CIA, LAPD
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I?m a rabbit! I?m a rabbit!"