A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,

"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?

Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.

Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?

Joseph: The sign said, "SCHOOL AHEAD. GO SLOW!"

No need for thanks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman?s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn?t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman?s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said,
- "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

- "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Funny Movie Facts

More things you would never know without the movies:

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it?s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

Doctor Quotes

- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year

- On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely

- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993

- The patient refused an autopsy

- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital

- Patient?s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days

- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch

- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night

- She is numb from her toes down

- Patient was alert and unresponsive

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce

- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy

- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead

- Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities

- Skin: Somewhat pale but present

- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

A no-frills airline

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."

11. No movie. Don't need one.

12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.