Funny Movie Facts

More things you would never know without the movies:

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it?s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.

Doctor Quotes

- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year

- On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely

- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993

- The patient refused an autopsy

- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital

- Patient?s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days

- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch

- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night

- She is numb from her toes down

- Patient was alert and unresponsive

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce

- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy

- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead

- Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities

- Skin: Somewhat pale but present

- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

A no-frills airline

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."

11. No movie. Don't need one.

12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"

"I'm positive." replied the atom.

General Computer

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?

Warning labels, once again

"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

"The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the ?on? position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.

"Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.