A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"

"I'm positive." replied the atom.

General Computer

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?

Warning labels, once again

"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

"The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the ?on? position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.

"Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

I'll use my seeing eye dog

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

Two roaches having a discussion

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Preacher golf

A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn?t give the sermon. The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.

The pastor drove about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, "Are You going to let him get away with this?" God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it.

Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic. Jesus asked God,"Why would you let him do that?" God said, "Because, who is he gonna tell?"

Empty swimming pool

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"